Weird Book Of Mormon Quotes On Faith

Weird book of mormon quotes on faith

About the Absurdities.

Book Of Mormon Quotes

SAB iPhone App. And it came to pass The author is a guy named Nephi who thinks quite a lot of himself. He had "goodly parents" was "highly favored of the Lord" and had "a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God. And if you can't believe a pompous, Egyptian-speaking Hebrew that supposedly lived years ago, whom can you believe?

Weird book of mormon quotes on faith

Great and marvelous are thy works, O Lord God Almighty! And the Lord softened his heart and his brain so he could believe the shit his dad said. God made the New World just for Nephi and his family. For though it had been occupied by the Native Americans for 15, years or so, God made it for Nephi, not for them. Now they just needed to decide how to get the brass plates back from Laban.

Luckily, they had all read the Bible so they knew the proper way of deciding such things. They cast lots. But Laban refused to give him the plates, accused him of trying to rob him, and threatened to kill him. He was into genealogy, too. So he decided to kill them and take their stuff.

They started to beat Nephi and Sam with a rod. Nephi looked and sounded just like Laban, so it completely fooled Laban's servant.

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Then Nephi told him to take the brass plates to his brothers who were waiting outside the city gates. It was an exceedingly good disguise. And they fled from before my presence; for they supposed it was Laban. Even Nephi's brothers thought he was Laban because he was wearing Laban's clothes.

His parents, though, were filled with joy, exceedingly glad even, to see them. After this manner of language did they speak. They had all kinds of cool stuff written on them: the five books of Moses, the history of the Jews, and the prophecies of Jeremiah. Joseph is a really important name in the Book of Mormon. I'm not sure why.

Weird book of mormon quotes on faith

No one has seen them since. So it mattereth not to him that he give a full account of all the things, etc.

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After they arrived, the Lord softened up Ishmael's heart enough so that he agreed to leave Jerusalem with his family and go into the wilderness so that Lehi's sons could have sex with his daughters.

Laman and Lemuel revolted, along with two of Ishmael's daughters and two of his sons. So they tied him up and left him for the animals to eat.

Weird book of mormon quotes on faith

His prayers are worse than his speeches. And, just like magic, the cords were untied. He wants his family to eat the fruit. Nephi, Sam, and Sariah do; Laman and Lemuel don't.

An iron rod leads people to the tree, but some are ashamed to eat its fruit after being taunted by well-dressed people in a building that floats in the sky. Those who don't eat the fruit or who leave after eating it are lost, drowned, or destroyed.

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Lehi's dream was nearly identical to Joseph Smith, Sr. Because the former ate the magic fruit and the latter didn't. Being white is the best thing a thing can be in the Book of Mormon. He was so darned happy he could hardly stand it. So he wanted his family to eat from the happy tree, too.

He told them to eat the fruit, but they wouldn't do it because they were bad. He just didn't have room for it on his plates. I have given the name of Nephi; wherefore, they are called the plates of Nephi, after mine own name; and these plates also are called the plates of Nephi.

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Lehi even knew the Elizabethan English words that the King James Version would ascribe to John the Baptist years before that translation existed! The spirit asked him what he wanted.

Jesus believes in Lehi's tree, too. It was exceedingly white, too. It was like the whitest thing he'd ever seen. Being white is exceedingly good in the Book of Mormon. But how the hell would Nephi know that the exceedingly white woman was a virgin? I guess Nephi could spot a virgin from kilometers away. Then it told Nephi that the white virgin "is the mother of the Son of God, after the manner of the flesh.

Jesus, Mary, John the Baptist, the twelve apostles, the crucifixion, a bunch of angels, Lehi's magic tree, fountain of living waters, iron rod, the large and spacious building, angels, devils, the condescension of God, the lamb of God, the Holy Ghost, devils, unclean spirits, the wisdom of the world -- the works.

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He'll have tons of seed, as many as the sand of the sea. Mountains will disintegrate and cities sink and burn. And it will be awful to look at. Seed fighting seed everywhere.

Weird book of mormon quotes on faith

I doubt if there has been so much contending seed in a single paragraph since time began. Which, according to the BoM, is the origin of the Native Americans. Except maybe the Vietnam war.

Weird book of mormon quotes on faith

The good American white people that God liked so much carried this book around with them. All you have to do is become a Mormon and then you will be blessed by God otherwise you're going to hell. This book is, according to the angel, the best and most important book by far that you, me, or anyone else will ever read. And we'll be tortured forever after we die unless we believe it.

You either belong to the good church or the bad church the mother of abominations, the whore of all the earth, whose founder is the devil.

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There weren't many Mormons, though, because of that fucking whore that sat on many waters the Catholic Church. You see that guy in the white robe? That's the apostle John who will write the Book of Revelation about years from now.

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Which doesn't make a lot of sense since the apostle John didn't write Revelation, but oh well. The angel won't let him say any more. So don't ask.

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But the angel showed Nephi lots of other cool stuff that he can't tell you about right now. But it's all true. And thus it is.

Over and out. Yeah, well, it's back again. And this time it's causing trouble for Nephi's brothers. You see, they just couldn't figure it all out. What was it, anyway? And who cares?

A crazy old man dreams about a tree and they're supposed to believe it has some cosmic significance, some deep spiritual meaning? Well, yes they are. This is the Book of Mormon after all. It's nearly impossible to believe complete and obvious bullshit without God's help.

They didn't follow the commandments and their hearts were way too hard. The grafting of the branches thing is all about Joseph Smith who will years later find and translate the golden plates and thereby produce the Book of Mormon that will bring "the fulness of the gospel" to the Gentiles.

And if that isn't perfectly obvious to you, you are an evil bastard that hasn't inquired of the Lord. I suppose God will then make them fair , white, and delightsome like good Mormons are today. And if you're filthy, you can't go to heaven because you'd make God's kingdom filthy.

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It was a group wedding with Lehi serving as the Reverend Moon, saying stuff like, "Do you [Nephi, Laman, Lemuel, Sam, Zoram] take what's her name here to be your lawfully wedded wife? A magic brass ball of curious workmanship that was designed and made by God himself! God's magic ball had two spindles on it, one pointing the way to go and the other pointing in some other direction.

After traveling for four days in a SSE direction, they set up camp at a place they called Shazer. Notice how Joseph Smith Nephi gives names to pretty much every place they pass by, but didn't bother to tell us the name of his wife.

Of course steel didn't exist at the time, wouldn't work well for a bow anyway, and would be hard to break. But, oh well.